Portraits of People

Some of us are born in hospitals; some of us are born in cafes. I am of the latter variety. I often come to cafes to sit and read, actions that I hope stimulate real thoughts about myself and how I interact with this world. Today I’ve chosen to read passages from Nausea by Sartre, and I’ve found myself wishing I were more intelligent than I actually am. This is something that happens often, I feel as though I am a smart, conscience man who is condemned to live his life with an underdeveloped brain. I have a hard time remembering the months in order or doing simple math. In fact, the only reason I am capable of writing anything sensible at all is because of the crutch of spellcheck. I should turn it off one day and see how bad I actually am.

Things in Edinburgh have been a mixed bag. The honeymoon is over and I am slowly starting to understand why people might not want to live here for the rest of their lives. There is a degree of general sophistication that seems to be lacking here. At the risk of sounding like a pretentious prick, I am not interested in Soccer or reality television. It seems that there is an entire channel here devoted to the show ‘Big Brother,’ a program that puts groups of simple people in a house filled with cameras so that we might watch their every move. There is something extremely eerie about coming home from the bars at 4am, turning on the television, and seeing people sleeping. In any other circumstance this would be totally unacceptable, but thanks to the cold distance offered by television we can all play out our most sickening voyeuristic fantasies.

Last night I obliged my cousins by attempting to become a member of the century club. I was the most reluctant, but got the furthest (51 shots) and stayed the most rational. Judgments were passed as I watched James and Sam throw 3 or 4 beer bottles from our 4th story flat. They wanted to meet some girls who were loitering down in the streets and felt that throwing bottles at them would be a good way to introduce themselves. The crazy thing is, Sam went home with one of the girls. That makes 3 or 4 during the last week or so. His girlfriend who currently resides in California would probably be beside herself if she knew it all.

It’s going to be a long summer. My degree in political science and philosophy has served me well by helping me secure a position in the kitchen of the Hardrock Café. I’m making minimum wage. I wonder how much I am really worth?. Maybe I’ll make more money if I start throwing bottles off roofs?

I’m trying to hide my hand from people. I have an unsightly wart and am always worried about the judgments that fall upon me. Logically speaking, I know that there are other people who are one million times worse off than me, but in my mind, it is a big issue. Now if I could only figure out why? My endless search for acceptance… Is it a confidence issue? No. I am confident, even cocky… but for some reason I still fear rejection and confrontation. Confrontation is a way of life here. Bar fights are normal and expected. James and Sam are always ‘almost’ getting into fights. Why? It’s not a skill that is entirely useless. At their core they are good people and would step in if a situation merited it. I like to think that I could, but I have my doubts. Not that I am a coward, well, maybe a little.

The music here is terrible. It lacks the raw and authentic grunge that was born in the 60’s. Everything here is pop and produced. People would judge and laugh if they heard what I listen to. Frustrating, most music videos make me upset. I feel that they are almost always mouthing the words. I imagine the sleek marketing specialist directing the video, telling the singers to contort their face a little more… “we want people to think you are full of emotion.” The lines between acting and music are becoming more and more blurred. Obviously it is inevitable, but there are real limits. Some people don’t have the patience or attention span to sit down and listen for the sake of listening. Probably the same people who watch ‘Big Brother.’

I have no illusions that I judge. I think everyone does, it’s natural. We need to do it to define ourselves. If I don’t like something, that speaks volumes about my personality. Is it wrong? Maybe. But I’ll continue to do it in the confidence of my own thoughts regardless, as you will too. Maybe I’ll feel more upbeat tomorrow. Maybe I’ll learn how to spell.